Author Topic: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea  (Read 844 times)

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Offline Yeldur

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a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« on: June 09, 2018, 01:59:19 AM »
+9
Hello everyone, Head Admin Yeldur here, and today I'm here to show you how to make the perfect cup of tea. "Why is this fucking bubbling frothing at the mouth retard idiot cunt trying to tell us how to make tea" you might be asking, well, I have one simple reason. I am British, and by that logical definition that means I am a tea MASTER and you are all FUCKING WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT FUCK YOU ALL I HATE YOU.
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In order to watch this guide please listen to this music on repeat:

Anyways. On to the guide:

First, pour water into kettle, now, we can't use any old ordinary tap water, for a TRUE ENGLISH TEA, we must go all the way to the lake district and collect nothing but the purest rain water, once that is done, we travel back home and put the kettle on boil, once that is done we empty it into a pot on the stove and leave it to boil for a further 30 minutes, once that has finished, add ENGLISH teabag into cup, pour boiling water and leave for 2-5 minutes depending on how strong you like your tea. Once that has been completed, remove your ENGLISH teabag and place it in the food bin, then drive 4 hours down the road to cornwall, milk a cow, drive 4 hours back down the road to your home and add exactly 10 millilitres of milk, once done, add sugar if you take it. A maximum amount of two spoons of sugar is allowed, any more than that and you are ruining the tea and I will personally come to your house, castrate you, cauterise the wound, cut off each and every limb of your body whilst cauterising it, making sure you are well fed and have drunk fluids, after which i will place you slowly, 1 inch every 5 minutes into an acid pit, where you will boil to death slowly and painfully. DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOU PIECES OF SHIT I WILL FUCKING END YOU
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Please now pause Rule Britannia and turn on this song:
Thank you must humbly for reading my guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea, I hope this has helped you in your endeavour to make a good cup of tea, I appreciate for you non British barbarian SWINES it can be a difficulty but this is why I have made this guide, if you have any questions about your tea, please feel free to contact me using this thread.
This is Head Admin Yeldur, signing off. Goodnight.


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Offline Kadeth

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2018, 02:02:13 AM »
+9
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I like children more than any of you

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Offline Blade

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2018, 02:15:52 AM »
+4
I'm only upvoting this post so the Author spares my family.
Didn't even read it.
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Offline Asheram

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #3 on: June 09, 2018, 07:27:01 AM »
+5
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Mortal Combat!
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PENDULUM
For everything that could have been At least we took the ride There's no relief in bitterness Might as well let it die

Offline Oberyn

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2018, 12:57:45 PM »
+2
Dried leaves + Hot water, ingest at your leisure, you're welcome.

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Offline CrazyCracka420

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2018, 03:51:27 PM »
+5
Coffee is better, and anyone who puts shit in their tea or coffee deserves neither
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Offline WITCHCRAFT

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2018, 05:15:58 PM »
+2
Quote
ISO 3103 is a standard published by the International Organization for Standardization (commonly referred to as ISO), specifying a standardized method for brewing tea, possibly sampled by the standardized methods described in ISO 1839[1]. It was originally laid down in 1980 as BS 6008:1980 by the British Standards Institution.[2] It was produced by ISO Technical Committee 34 (Food products), Sub-Committee 8 (Tea).

The abstract states the following:

    The method consists in extracting of soluble substances in dried tea leaf, containing in a porcelain or earthenware pot, by means of freshly boiling water, pouring of the liquor into a white porcelain or earthenware bowl, examination of the organoleptic properties of the infused leaf, and of the liquor with or without milk, or both.

This standard is not meant to define the proper method for brewing tea, but rather how to document the tea brewing procedure so sensory comparisons can be made. An example of such a test would be a taste-test to establish which blend of teas to choose for a particular brand or basic label in order to maintain a consistent tasting brewed drink from harvest to harvest.

A revised standard is currently under development as ISO/NP 3103.[3]

The work was the winner of the parodic Ig Nobel Prize for Literature in 1999.[4][5]

To maintain consistent results, the following are recommendations given by the standard:

    The pot should be white porcelain or glazed earthenware and have a partly serrated edge. It should have a lid that fits loosely inside the pot.
    If a large pot is used, it should hold a maximum of 310 ml (±8 ml) and must weigh 200 g (±10 g).
    If a small pot is used, it should hold a maximum of 150 ml (±4 ml) and must weigh 118 g (±10 g).
    2 grams of tea (measured to ±2% accuracy) per 100 ml boiling water is placed into the pot.
    Freshly boiling water is poured into the pot to within 4–6 mm of the brim. Allow 20 seconds for water to cool.
    The water should be similar to the drinking water where the tea will be consumed.
    Brewing time is six minutes.
    The brewed tea is then poured into a white porcelain or glazed earthenware bowl.
    If a large bowl is used, it must have a capacity of 380 ml and weigh 200 g (±20 g).
    If a small bowl is used, it must have a capacity of 200 ml and weigh 105 g (±20 g).
    If the test involves milk, then it is added before pouring the infused tea unless that is contrary to the organisation's normal practice.
    If milk is added after the pouring of tea, it is best added when the liquid is between 65-80°C.
    5 ml of milk for the large bowl, or 2.5 ml for the small bowl, is used.

beep boop your autismal robot tea is ready
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irl something shorted on the shuttle and laika overheated and died within a few hours of liftoff and for a brief while one could look up to the stars and see a light shooting across the sky that was actually a warm dog corpse slingshoting about the earth at thousands of miles per hour which was arguably humanity's greatest achievement so far

Offline Yeldur

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2018, 09:15:48 PM »
0
beep boop your autismal robot tea is ready
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THEY ARE NOT 100% BRITISH THEREFORE THEIR OPINIONS ARE IRRELEVANT AND THEY CAN ALL GET F U C K E D
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Offline Yeldur

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2018, 09:16:34 PM »
-1
Coffee is better, and anyone who puts shit in their tea or coffee deserves neither

your entire family is fucking dead
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Offline Golem

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2018, 12:50:42 AM »
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Quote
A maximum amount of two spoons of sugar is allowed, any more than that and you are ruining the tea and I will personally come to your house, castrate you, cauterise the wound, cut off each and every limb of your body whilst cauterising it, making sure you are well fed and have drunk fluids, after which i will place you slowly, 1 inch every 5 minutes into an acid pit, where you will boil to death slowly and painfully. DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOU PIECES OF SHIT

The what?

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This is about being straight out retarded. Children see in slow motion like owls.

Offline traxits

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2018, 12:58:17 AM »
0
Coffee is better, and anyone who puts shit in their tea or coffee deserves neither

i worked at tim's for a few years in high school, before i switched to the lumber mill. used to have a regular come in every day at ~5:30PM and get an extra large decaf, SIX CREAM, EIGHT SUGAR. the cream cooled down the coffee so much not all of the sugar could dissolve into it, and there was so much sugar there was a noticeable weight difference in that cup when i handed it out the window compared to a regular coffee.

was kind of like he was drinking cake batter.
don't know why i thought of this but hey i did and now u know
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Offline Yeldur

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2018, 02:06:14 AM »
-1
The what?

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You are allowed a maximum of one sugar cube.
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Offline Kratos

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2018, 02:42:45 AM »
+2
Only gay ass Britf4gs would combine tea with milk

Disgusting cunts

Offline Golem

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2018, 03:20:27 AM »
0
According to Yeldur, two spoons = 1 sugar cube. Must be the imperial metric system messing with his head.
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Offline Oberyn

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Re: a guide on how to make the perfect cup of tea
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2018, 10:59:10 AM »
+1
decaf

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