Author Topic: Assington's Host  (Read 832 times)

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Offline bensai

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Assington's Host
« on: January 03, 2018, 09:00:56 AM »
+24
Assington's Host:
Warriors of the Prophet

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assington always pondered his purpose in calradia, but it wasnt until his hand of cards was looking really shitty that he heard the howling of the wind mysteriously turn to words, holy words that said:

"WoWoWOooWOoowoWOOoo aaaaaaassingtooooooon despite being baaaaanned for many daaaays you must go join the baaaaattle seeeerverrrrrr"

though being both cynical and skeptical of supernatural occurrences, assington proceeded to NA1, despite knowing that he still had nearly 48 hours left until the chain of mortal serial key banning systems released him from its grip. upon entering the battle server, assington waited for the ruthless line to say "u r banned from this server idiot" to pop up and then kick him, but that never happened. assington was free. something had chosen him to be able to slip the tight grip of a ban (im not a ban evader james forgave me + great rp right).

for the next 6 years assington sought re connection with the divine entity that chose to bestow upon him the powers of righteousness, the ability to stand against the most potent forces of the cRPG aDmiNiStrAtiOn woooWOWoowoWOoOowooo. at first assington believed his purpose in calradia was to incite civil disobedience and to murder all snakes and forms of authority that ruled this land, but now.... now he is not so sure.

Assington's Host is an army comprised of humble, non-megalomaniacal people who seek holy retribution, the revelations of pilgrimage, and to understand the mysteries of calradia and crpg as we know it. a holy crusade is to be enacted in the sarranid deserts of New Calradia, and several holy sights are to be seized by assingtons host for further religious understanding of himself, those around him,
 and the reasons as to why he was bestowed such magical powers....




Intended Holy Sites to be Occupied by Assington's Host:

SEIZED
New Jameyyed Castle

(click to show/hide)
New Jameyyed Castle was the former seat of power of an ancient order of cRPG anarchists known as the GOBBLINS. its infinite catacombs, which are filled with holy relics and scriptures, is a key location to seize in order to understand the mysticism of the unknown divine entity. the treacherous heretic pollux will be defeated, tried, and executed for infidelity


New Samarra Castle
(click to show/hide)
Samarra used to be the center of a network of pilgrim roads, with nearly every pilgrim road across new calradia leading directly to it. not a living soul knows what sacred, holy institutions were housed there,
 nor why, but some of the oldest, wisest, and generally disgusting geriatric folk of samarra claim that the caverns under the ancient graveyards hold a pool of water so blue, and so sweet that it could have been milked from the breasts of aphrodite herself. it is said that once every 1000 years (6 months in crpg) someone is chosen to drink from this pool and be sent on a wild fucking trip i mean sent into a trance that will connect them more deeply with the gods and even be allowed to rest upon the breasts of aphrodite. New Samarra Castle must be seized, and the treacherous archibot will be defeated, tried, and executed for infidelity.

New Ahmerrad
(click to show/hide)
once the capital of an ancient desert empire, an empire that was far more evolved and advanced than the shitlords that inhabit it today, new ahmerrad's lower levels are host to a magnificent gold and jeweled statue of an unknown person or deity. it is whispered among the ancients of ahmerrad (much like the geriatric fucks of samarra) that a chosen individual, one with enough faith and autism, will be granted a set of gold and jeweled armor. when worn this armor will enable to wearer to battle indefinitely, unhindered by mortality, hunger, thirst, sexual lust, or fatigue, or venereal diseases, and the helm is said to have some sick jbl headphones that allow the bearer to communicate with an ancient, divine entity. New Ahmerrad must be seized, and the treacherous archibot will be defeated, tried, and executed for infidelity TWICE.


Nova Sharwa Castle
(click to show/hide)
once the cradle of power for all civilization in new calradia, sharwa has become little more than a military stronghold for whatever gaylord holds it except assington if assington holds sharwa he ISNT a gaylord.
 whomever sits upon the throne of sharwa, should they be true of heart and brimming with courage, will be given the omniscience to understand the will of the divine, and find the true path to paradise.
 seeing as sharwa is held by the incompetent, and slightly dimwitted sparvico, who is said to suffer from leprosy for his many sins, assington sees this as the final journey on the holy pilgrimage. plus he will be able 2 test out his sick new armor and jbl beats and have his stomach FULL of HOT aphrodite titty milk. Nova Sharwa Castle must be seized, and the treacherous sparvico will be defeated, tried, and executed for infidelity.

New Ismirala Village
(click to show/hide)
being the ancestral home of the frisian insurrection, along with the era of great peace and prosperity following frisian victories, new ismirala is the final resting place of GOBBLINKINGGREATLEADER's human body, before CHOAS turned him into a monster. a sight of great darkness indeed; however, immense wisdom is kept within the scrolls of the ancient frisians, wisdom which must be obtained for a more pure, homosexual, and prosperously holy life. New Ismirala must be seized, and the treacherous Johannes_VonThalion will be defeated, tried, and executed for infidelity.





the answers to these mysteries will be unraveled and shared with those who are true of heart once the mentioned locations are occupied. if u are a warrior of virtue and a scholar of mysticism then you are dutybound 2 fight by MY fucking side until i get some god damned castles so i can have a really long title when i enter battle server.

and a message to the owners of these holy sites: surrender now or get fucked
« Last Edit: January 06, 2018, 09:58:06 PM by bensai »
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Offline Sparvico

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2018, 09:23:14 AM »
+3
We eagerly await your arrival.
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Offline Sandersson Jankins

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2018, 11:27:12 AM »
+5
excuse me but i believe that you may have forgotten a site of great historical importance- obscure, yes...but not to be forgotten

i would request that New Ismirala village be added in loving memorandum of the fiercely homosexual, flamingly independent Frisians rumoured to have occupied the village from its absentee rulers, ushering in the beginning of a great period of upheaval- never before nor since had an FCC puutie vassal scum (technical term) turned their back on the incredulous Keshian and his cohorts to be met with success

regards,

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Offline bensai

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2018, 12:06:54 PM »
+5
A Surprising Visit
from an Old Friend

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the old, greasy, yellowtoothed hermit from the mountains, sandersschmidt, made a long journey from the north, slipping through the ass clenching clutches of lord rando and lord knightmare. his destination: the siege encampment of assingtons host, outside new jameyyed castle. sandersschmidt's purpose, or even his status as a living man, was unbeknownst to assington. the hermit moved with surprising swiftness and stealth, padding through the gazes of the various sentries while remaining completely undetected. he recognized the signature baby shit brown tent where assington dined and slept. that was his destination. upon entering the unguarded rear end of the big brown tent, sandersschmidt saw assington in a massive bronze bathtub, zucchini slices over both eyes.

"you know ur supposed to use cucumbers, not zucchinis, young ass" said sandersschmidt with a slightly playful tone in his voice

assington springed forward from his restful, and surprisingly ergonomic position

"old man sandersschmidt??? last time i saw you i was but a boy, but now i am a man" replied assington, proceeding to stand up and reveal to sandersschmidt his massive fucking package.

"a man, indeed..." sandersson raised an eyebrow, questioningly

"well sandersschmidt what can i do for? i wont bother asking how you slipped through my loyal sentries."

sandersschmidt rested his staff upon the tent's main support beam "i think it's what i can do for you, young ass. word around the roads has reached me. you are on a holy pilgrimage.... perhaps not a peaceful one. the holy sites you plan to conquer... i say their names to myself. Sharwa, Jamayyed, samarra, ahmerrad. there is a site of great importance missing from your plan."

"and where might that be, most respected of crpg nerds?"

"you have forgotten the vindicated and foregone ancestral home of both homosexuality and the frisians, not saying... erm... that the appearance of both in the same year is connected in anyway: new ismirala. you have forgotten your roots, young ass. you were a frisian before u were a crpg dissident. regardless of this, in new ismirala you will find a chest in the old lord's longhouse, most likely in the basement,
 ignore the bdsm equpiment lying around, a chest with the name "fuckkeshhestillplaysstratbutnotNA1?xddwatafuckingshitlord" and in this chest you will find relics and scriptures most ancient and enlightening. knowing you since you were a young man, i can only believe the wisdom in this chest will help you in your quest for divine illumination."


assington stroked his penciled-in mustache, the pain on his face from the friction between his finger and upper lip was pretty obvious "new ismirala is quite out the way, sandersschmidt, but you are correct. there is no doubt that those cumstained scrolls will provide needed instruction in a time of great mental opaqueness. i will go."



sorry whoever owns new ismirala but the prophet has spoken youre fucked for sure now

New Ismirala Village
(click to show/hide)
being the ancestral home of the frisian insurrection, along with the era of great peace and prosperity following frisian victories, new ismirala is the final resting place of GOBBLINKINGGREATLEADER's human body, before CHOAS turned him into a monster. a sight of great darkness indeed; however, immense wisdom is kept within the scrolls of the ancient frisians, wisdom which must be obtained for a more pure, homosexual, and prosperously holy life. New Ismirala must be seized, and the treacherous Johannes_VonThalion will be defeated, tried, and executed for infidelity.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2018, 12:16:33 PM by bensai »
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Offline Westwood

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2018, 07:25:01 PM »
+3
We eagerly await your arrival.
Pretty big talk from Sparvico_the_Leper
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Offline kasMVC

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2018, 08:50:13 PM »
+5
I have betrayed the cause.

A man in a vizhin came to me from across the steam(y) oasis known as the Oasis of steam.

At first he was kind, stroking my miniscule cock with his tongue.

But this turned to aggressive chewing with sharp teeths!

OUCH!

"Give me all your strat troops or i will chewy your goodnatured cocksal!" growled Albus the Deceiver

What was poor sikle to do without his beloved penar??? so he relented.

I ask for forgiveness great Assington and direction in what must be done now in order to atone for my crimes of giving away 1200 strat troops

Offline Thryn

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2018, 09:46:05 PM »
+4
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Offline Bittersteel

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2018, 10:02:53 PM »
+4
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Offline njames89

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2018, 10:05:31 PM »
+4
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Offline Asheram

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2018, 10:30:11 PM »
+6
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« Last Edit: January 04, 2018, 01:20:11 AM by Asheram »
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PENDULUM
For everything that could have been At least we took the ride There's no relief in bitterness Might as well let it die

Offline bensai

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #10 on: January 04, 2018, 02:39:55 AM »
+1
I have betrayed the cause.

A man in a vizhin came to me from across the steam(y) oasis known as the Oasis of steam.

At first he was kind, stroking my miniscule cock with his tongue.

But this turned to aggressive chewing with sharp teeths!

OUCH!

"Give me all your strat troops or i will chewy your goodnatured cocksal!" growled Albus the Deceiver

What was poor sikle to do without his beloved penar??? so he relented.

I ask for forgiveness great Assington and direction in what must be done now in order to atone for my crimes of giving away 1200 strat troops

Great sins indeed, sickle. but, alas, i understand that one cannot live without one's penar, even the most pious of men. should the siege of jameyyed castle be successful,
 then u may come take refuge, and join the holy crusade, for KILLING AN INFIDEL IS NOT A SIN, BUT THE PATHWAY TO HEAVEN
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Offline Westwood

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #11 on: January 04, 2018, 02:53:00 AM »
+7
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Maybe you are not bad, but you are a boring person. Well, that's the end of the matter.

Offline bensai

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2018, 07:15:15 AM »
+5

VICTORY
The Holy Castle of New Jameyyed Has Been Seized, and the infidel, Pollux, has been righteously executed...


(click to show/hide)


Upon entering the catacombs under jamayyed, a breeze swept from deep in the tunnels, swishing past assington and his retainers. however, the air was not stale and damp, but crisp, clean, and fresh. all of the ancient scrolls that littered the tunnels walls had been preserved perfectly.

it was more than evident that pollux had known of, and ventured into these tunnels at some point; his signature self portrait had been etched into all of the walls. but there was something else of note...

in the center of a small room, carved from the sides of the tunnel, was a table with 3 chairs. each chair had a label on it, each label being etched and colored in big baby blue letters with a bubble letter font. they read "pollux \o/ ;)), sparvico :^), johannes 8-), and archibot ^.^" clearly something disturbed these people very deeply, and assington knew it had to be what they discovered in the scrolls. further, assington realized that this triumvirate was related: they were all owners of these ancient holy sites required by assington!1!! they must be in cahoots, or must HAVE been in cahoots in the case of pollux.

after hours of sifting through the scrolls, assington had discovered something most revealing: an incantation verse. he found out in the same scroll the verse was written on that if this verse was repeated while someone truly holy and chosen and true of heart and really tall, smart, funny, attractive, good at melee, etc, was to also be wearing the golden jeweled armor, with a tummy full of aphrodite tiddy milk, whilst also sitting on the ancient throne of sharwa, and being blessed by the gay bishopric of new ismirala, the incantation would bestow upon that individual the powers that have, for so long, restrained him from his true potential. assington has yet to understand what or who these powers are, but he will find out with the continued support of the pious and holy warriors that follow him into battle!!

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Offline Pollux

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #13 on: January 04, 2018, 07:16:39 AM »
+3
hot

Offline Albus

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Re: Assington's Host
« Reply #14 on: January 04, 2018, 08:26:52 AM »
+3
I have betrayed the cause.

A man in a vizhin came to me from across the steam(y) oasis known as the Oasis of steam.

At first he was kind, stroking my miniscule cock with his tongue.

But this turned to aggressive chewing with sharp teeths!

OUCH!

"Give me all your strat troops or i will chewy your goodnatured cocksal!" growled Albus the Deceiver

What was poor sikle to do without his beloved penar??? so he relented.

I ask for forgiveness great Assington and direction in what must be done now in order to atone for my crimes of giving away 1200 strat troops
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